It's 5am and once more Lucy is awake staring at the ceiling trying to make sense of the mess that is her life. She knows each individual crack and bump having had the opportunity to study the ceiling in great depth despite only living in the place for five months
Five months, 3 days and 17 hours to be exact. She sighs and feels the tears begin to prick her eyes. When she wonders will it get any easier, when will she not yearn for his arms to be around her, when will she not long to see his smile, hear his laugh and feel part of a couple.
She knows the answer, of course she does. She's not stupid and if there had been any hope of him being the man she wanted him to be she would still be there. But still her heart hurts.
She tries not to think about how foolish she was, how naively she believed his lies, but she cannot help still loving him and that makes it so difficult to move forward. She wants to. She wants to be anywhere but in this pit of despiar which feels as though it wants to suck every ounce of happiness from her body, an emotion vampire.

NO! NO! NO!

OMG can it really be December in just a day or two? How can that be, I'm not ready I tell you. I'll never be ready in time. Perhaps it could be postponed until February or maybe March. Perhaps the rest of the world could be frozen ( not literally) in time while I carry on merrily until I have finished both jumpers for Eldest daughter;

And managed a new Elijah for Youngest Daughter.

Pretty Please.

Perhaps this is what I need?

Universal success

Sometimes I am a victim of my own success. I try things and it's as though whatever energy I put into it is generated tenfold. Most people would have a modicum of success me, I have an overload.
Confused, well that's understandable.
Let me attempt to explain.
I am a certain age and I know what I want.
Easy so far.
So I start with a list to clarify and make sure that I really do know what I want.
The list is the top 100 things I'm looking for in a man, because while I know I don't need a man to keep me, or to make me whole, I know that I would like one. A bit like I wanted a Tonkinese cat; I think it will be nice to have one around sometimes. I was right with the Tonk, I'm sure I'll be right with the man, so long as I choose wisely.
On my list are qualities such as kindness, honesty, openness and loyalty. Also things like intelligent and gregarious, as well as playful and protective. I have qualities like generous and passionate, considerate and caring as well as communicative and willing to commit.
All good things and things I know I like and admire. I also put down a few things that I know I need in a man. I know I need someone tactile and warm.
So far so good. I write this list on a piece of bright yellow paper and put it in my purse.
I believe in this list and within days it works. It works better than I could have ever imagined.
This is where it gets complicated. I get 6 dates. Six invites to dinner, or coffee, or a walk. I accepted all six; after all at this point there is no way of knowing which ones would be frogs and which one might be the prince.
And so begins an exhausting week. A week of juggling emails and txts and of needing more organising that a CEO.
Destinations and assignations, baby-sitters and locations all had to be considered and arranged.

One was a so awestruck he could say nothing but, "you're Gorgeous" I might be (well I like me) but really hearing it every other sentence for two hours, even my vanity got bored and went home.
One was still in love with his ex wife of twenty years. Bless he looked so sad.
One was a perfect gentleman but older than his years.
One had already let me down and once I'm hurt I'm best left alone.
Which left two.
Two possible princes.
Two choices.
One hard decision.

happiness is nice, but it's temporary.
joy is something different altogether.
JOY
is a constant.

It's not dependent on circumstances
or people
but rather on a heart issue.

happiness is external;

joy is internal.

joy can be tucked deep in the heart,
even in difficult circumstances.

-Karol Ladd
The Power of a Positive Woman

Dream Job

So my time in the military is drawing to an end, and while I will be sad to leave and say goodbye to what amounts to my "family" I know there will be new adventures ahead for me.
In preparation for this new adventure I decided to spend some time focussing on what might be my ideal job.
I know these things:
1. It must pay enough for me to keep a roof over us.
2. It must be close enough for me to not spend more than twenty minutes travelling
3. It must be between the hours of 0900 and 1500 (3pm)
4. It must be dealing with people, or where I get to talk a lot. I can't do silences.
5. It must be in one place, so not a lot of travelling or being away from home.
6. It must be creative.
7. It must be fun
So that should help the universe supply the right job shouldn't it?

Signs your cat's upset with you

Just recently I've not been at home for the weekend. It's been a bit crazy and sad and so I've been staying with a friend to be soothed and distracted. This means leaving my beautiful Tonk, Peri, home alone. He's got plenty of warm beds to sleep on, an endless supply of food and of course his own entrance and exit. The first weekend he was a wee bit miffed and complained long and loud. Haven't not quite made his point he decided it was time to up the stakes. This weekend I arrived home to find not one, not two, not three but four different balls of yarn artistically tangled over every available inch of lounge. Not only where they so intrinsically mixed together they were also wet and chewed. Worse, he chewed yarn that a friend bought so I could knit her a jumper. Peri didn't miaow once this weekend. He just sat giving me that look that says, leave me again at your peril!

I'm so excited

I did it....somehow I have survived the dreadful, terrible, awful yarn diet. I don't know how I did it, it was tough, temptation was every where, on the net, in the street. So many places to avoid and yet here I am at the end. I feel good. My stash is considerably lighter. Over 8 kgs of wool was knitted from stash. When I actually convert that into balls of wool even I'm staggered that I should have accumulated so much. Of course my first thought is to go out and celebrate by going slightly crazy in a yarn shop but then that would defeat the purpose of the diet and leave me seriously crippled financially. So instead I'm going to bask in my strong self will and determination knowing that I can buy now if I want to. I just don't want to....until pay day!