Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Living with teenagers is a pretty good method of contraception. Not only do they stay up late, bug you whenever you might possibly be in the midst of a romantic moment, pull faces if they see you being smoochey, their emotional rollercoaster is bound to make you think twice about multiplying the human race.

Unfortunately by the time you’re living with teenagers it is well and truly too late to do a lot about it. Perhaps the answer is to make it compulsory for every couple to spend a month with two teenagers before making the decision to have a baby. Babies are the easy part, sure they cry and have dirty nappies that can make a nuclear meltdown look pleasant, but they are utterly adorable and totally cute. They smile their gummy smiles and even the most sleep deprived feel an extra boost from somewhere. Teenagers do not evoke cuteness. There is little that is cute about a teenager. They may be interesting, challenging and good fun (when they want to be) but they are also a whole parcel of contradictions.

The worst thing about teenagers is their ability to recall every word of every conversation you’ve had with them. They will sniff out discrepancies like they were two week high kippers. They will use everything against you and you have no weapons that will effectively deal with this, unless you are also able to record all conversations so you can be 100% certain about what you actually did say. Not likely since pregnancy, childcare and constant erosion of the brain cells will have diminished your memory to a quivering mess.

Please be kind and save a teenager, make their frazzled parents a strong drink and offer a large sponge to soak up their tears of frustration, know that you are doing a huge service to mankind as you prevent a murder. Remind the parents to hang on in there, like infanthood time is short and it will pass and the teenagers will emerge as butterflies from cocoons to take their place in the greater world and perpetuate the cycle of life.